Fic: Kuon [Eternity] 2/2
Apr. 17th, 2016 12:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cloversworldKuon [Eternity] 2/2
Mononofu Shiroki Tora; Saito Hajime/Iinuma Sadakichi, PG-13
Written for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
smallfandombang
MASTER POST
Page 1
Act V.
Dawn tiptoed over the horizon but its subtle approach was witnessed with open eyes. Sadakichi hardly slept a wink. His face burned at the thought of the night before, how Hajime's proximity had literally stolen his breath. The shameful part of it all was his body's lascivious reaction.
The feeling was so foreign he couldn't identify it. It was something he hadn't felt before. His puberty was spent with him learning the samurai's way of life and his early adulthood was cocooned in contrite. Though he hadn't gone through such a sensual phenomenon, he was certain that this was something he had to feel for a woman, not for a man like Saito Hajime, not for a man he regarded with high respect, a man who was ten years his senior.
As soon as the first light pierced through the window, he forced himself out of his futon so he could get breakfast started.
Hajime was facing the wall, his back on Sadakichi. His shoulders rose and fell in a steady cadence that suggested he was still in an unruffled rest. But the absence of the crisp sound of his snores made Sadakichi doubt that was the case.
With the windows slightly parted, the soft rays of the morning sun painted his humble abode in gentle strokes of lemon yellow and saffron. The pot filled with water and sencha leaves and jasmine blossoms was soon emitting a sweet aroma that filled the entire space.
Stealth as a warrior, Hajime had snuck up behind him nearly thirty minutes later. Sadakichi was beating eggs, his mind soaring above the clouds that he didn't sense Hajime approach until the man spoke and asked, "Do you have to work today?" which startled Sadakichi in the process.
Looking at Hajime was somehow abashing so Sadakichi kept his eyes on the bowl. "No. Did you have anything in mind?"
"I heard there is a festivity – a festival – in the next town. Would you like to go and check it out?"
To Sadakichi, it was a harmless invitation and it might just be the distraction he needed to rid him of these unwanted and unnecessary thoughts.
"Okay. What time do we leave?"
"Late in the afternoon."
Hajime was solacing to be around as usual. Not even the discomfiting incident had changed that. However, they did spend the rest of the day exchanging awkward smiles and perfunctory conversation.
The sun had eased its way over the mountains by the time they were getting ready to leave.
Sadakichi had chosen to wear a kimono splashed in bright hues of blue and green, the one his mother had brought him last year for his birthday. Hajime had always looked handsome in black.
Completely forgetting himself, Sadakichi reached out to help Hajime with his obi. Once tied and in place, he ran his hands flat over Hajime's shoulder blades, using his palm to rid of the wrinkles, belatedly realizing he was too close.
***
The water was as soft as silk blanket against his skin, neither warm nor cold, just enough to soothe his tired bones. Sadakichi kept his eyes closed while he basked in the comfort of the bath. His friends' banter was nothing but annoying buzz in his ears.
Only when there was a particularly sharp movement beside him did he open his eyes. Katsutarou had launched from his side to grab Shigetarou who was taunting him, saying he thought Shintaro could beat him in a duel.
Like a bird helplessly flapping its wings, Shigetarou struggled to keep Katsutarou off him. "Why don't we go to the dojo now and see?" His teeth were in full display when he flaunted Katsutaro a mocking grin then he tilted his head to glance Shintaro's way. "How 'bout, Shintaro?"
"I don't mind." Shintaro waded through the still water with no sign of hesitation.
The three of them left the bath, leaving dissonant echoes at their wake. Gisaburo called out after them, reminding them not to hurt themselves since they might be sent out on a mission soon.
Sadakichi thought he was about to gain the repose he much desired and was about to close his eyes again when he caught sight of Saito Hajime approaching. He was shaken out of his stupor when Hajime dropped the towel wrapped around his waist to reveal his naked form. The man didn't even have the decency to wear a fundoshi! His world stopped turning when Hajime stepped into the water and settled right beside him.
"Saito-san." Gisaburo's voice rang in his ears like an echo from a thousand miles. "It's nice to see you're able to relax at the moment."
The Shinsengumi captain had his head resting against the rock, eyes closed. "I thought I'd take advantage now that the enemy had decided to pull back and cease their attacks." The heat from Hajime's body caressed Sadakichi in ways that pushed him to full-blown discomfort. "But they are probably regrouping as we speak, so we'd best be on alert."
"Right, I understand." The rest of Gisaburo's words faded in white noise against Sadakichi's resonant heartbeat. Sadakichi's face burned at the thought of Hajime's proximity. Breathing had become onerous.
"I uh… I'm tired. I think I'll go rest now." Sadakichi practically vomited the words in his haste to leave the water. Having Hajime too close wasn't good for his health.
Teijirou's excuse of needing to retire for the day fluttered after him. His friend had caught up at the path leading to the changing area when they ran into Hijikata Toshizou. Still in a daze, Sadakichi almost forgot to lower his head before the man until Tejirou kicked him on his calf.
Wordless seconds waltz around them in a phantom-like grace. Sadackichi was trapped in cataleptic state, his hands working on their own while he changed into his yukata. It was Teijirou who pierced through his bubble. "Hey Sadakichi. Just out of curiosity. Do you like Saito-san? I mean in a special way?"
It was the way Teijirou had enunciated it – thick with connotation – more than the words itself that Sadakichi bolted out of pensiveness. Horrified, Sadakichi stammered, "W-wha--what made y-you ask?"
A shadow of mischief hazed over Teijirou's face, his mouth turning up to an impish simper. "Your face turned all red when Saito-san dropped his towel and I thought you were going to explode right then."
There was a loud crack of thunder and lightning within Sadakichi's world as the realization that his reactions to Saito Hajime had taken shape perceptible enough for Teijiro, and perhaps everyone else to witness. He nearly drowned in a landslide of embarrassment when Gisaburo and Wasuke came in, both of them reiterating what Teijirou had said.
"Saito-san wasn't certainly the reason why my face was red." The lack of acerbity that Sadakichi aimed for as he spat out a string of denial bounced back to him in a mocking imitation of his own voice.
"Tell me, Sadakichi," Teijirou slung an arm over his shoulder, the corners of his mouth still turned up in that wicked leer. "Was your heart beating fast when you saw Saito-san? Did your skin feel like they're burning when he sat close to you?"
"That's exactly how I feel when I'm around Kanae," Gisaburo supplied, face lit up like a ray of sunshine that Sadakichi doubted he was even aware that he wasn't helping Sadakichi in his case.
"You guys are out of your minds. Saito-san is a man. Why would I…?" Any coherent reasoning escaped him in a sea of froth that all Sadakichi could do was gape at his friends with his mouth open.
"Well, you're too soft sometimes. Maybe you have a heart of a woman?" Wasuke was as tactless as he had always been and though it seemed like an honest observation, the subtext of his remark raked through Sadakichi's pride.
There was a dissonance in his head, a reprise of his friends' words muttered in a provoking manner that had Sadakichi screaming, "Shut up!" before darting out of the room, wanting to put as much distance between him and the others.
***
The crowd seemed to multiply the further they went and Sadakich was starting to feel like the air was growing thinner and it was getting harder to breathe. Hajime was his security blanket, staying close to the man made him feel safer.
A stolen glance at Hajime alerted him of the concern etched on the older man's face. "Are you okay?"
There was no way he would give in to the weakness creeping through his psyche. "Yes, I am." Though blurted with confidence, Hajime could probably tell it was a lie. The man watched him as if he was going to crumble any moment so Sadakichi avoided his gaze.
An image of someone in his past appeared in the distance, beyond the sea of people that blurred around the edges of his vision. Teijirou was watching with a peaceful expression. One blink and he was gone, replaced with a man offering to take photographs to anyone who went past him.
The gust of warm wind that blew from the eastside guided his eyes towards two figures who he first thought were Wasuke and Katsutarou chasing each other. But it turned out to be someone else.
"Why don't we find some place where we could rest?" Hajime's hand felt cold against his forearm but he was tangible and real that Sadakichi didn't mind, even as the man practically dragged him to a set of wooden chairs near the pond.
His legs stilled at the sight that greeted him – Gisaburo and Kanae walking hand in hand – but then a brilliant light flared before his eyes and when the luminosity evanesced, all he saw was his and Hajime's reflection on the pond's water.
"I beg your pardon." The man he saw earlier with a camera raised his hand to call their attention and his gaze was focused more on Sadakichi as he spoke. "I couldn't resist taking your photograph. You wore such a mystifying expression that I had to capture it. If you would like to have a copy, I'll be glad to send it to you."
"No, thank you." Sadakichi could feel the headache coming and his head pulsated when a loud gong resonated from the top of a flight of stairs. For a moment, he thought he'd heard explosion and gunshots and screaming.
Memories came flooding in, and Sadakichi felt like he was back in Tonoguchihara with the enemies closing in and he had to escape so he ran, ignoring the frantic voice calling out his name. He ran as fast as he could.
Act VI.
Paper lanterns in red and white swept past him on his hurried trek out of the busy streets. It was near the bridge stretching over a stream that he found Sadakichi curled in on himself, visibly shaking like an abused animal.
"Sadakichi-kun."
This was the scenario he least expected to encounter. It was clearly a fool's hope that the visit to Iimoriyama, to the graveyard last spring would have helped the young man get over his friends' death and deal with the guilt that had held him prisoner for so long.
The waters Sadakichi threaded on were still and placid before Hajime left for Tokyo. What triggered his anxiety, what pushed Sadakichi off the steady current into a rougher course was a puzzle for him to ponder.
"Come on. Let's take you home." Hajime helped the young man on his feet and, as if he was carrying a fragile porcelain doll, led him back to his town.
When they arrived at Sadakichi's dwelling, Hajime encouraged him to take a bath so he could not only wash off the dirt on his face but also the negative energy that had clung to him.
"Will you be all right? Do you need help?" It wasn't his intention to treat the young man like a child he once was but Sadakichi did look frail at the moment.
A vigorous shake of the head was the immediate response he was given and a speck of panicked embarrassment shimmered on the surface of Sadakichi's eyes. "I'll be alright. I… I can handle myself."
"Call me if you need anything." Hajime's gaze never left the younger man until Sadakichi slid the door close.
Minutes marched off like worn down soldiers and Hajime chose to spend it preparing tea so he would not be stifled with worry. It took five minutes for the water to boil, the same amount of time when he heard the wretched bawling from the bath area. Alarmed, Hajime burst into the enclosed space to find the naked young man on the floor, hugging his knees close to his chest while rocking in place.
Without second thought, Hajime wrapped his arms around Sadakichi, not minding the water seeping into his yukata. "Hey, take it easy. Everything will be okay. I'm here. I'm here," he whispered like a mantra until he felt the young man relax.
Sadakichi clung on him and buried his face on his shoulder. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he said, sobbing in between.
"It's okay. Here let me help you." Hajime took the washcloth from the floor, lathered it with soap and started scrubbing Sadakichi's back and shoulders. It wasn't anything sensual or perverted, the gesture was enwrapped with considerate compassion, until Sadakichi graced him with a tender gaze and his lips parted as if in silent invitation.
Hajime could blame it on some mystical enchantment later but any rational thought left him in an instant and he allowed instinct to take lead so he leaned closer and pressed his lips against Sadakichi's. It wasn't as pliant as a woman's but soft nonetheless and he tasted like sencha and sweet dango that Hajime couldn't seem to get enough of.
***
Hajime knew allowing the boys to have their first taste of sake was a big mistake, but Toshizou painted the prospect with interesting mix of colors that created a fascinating picture in his head at the time. Besides, Toshizou seemed to know what he was doing.
Now the boys were a mess, most of them crawling on the floor and crying over their friend's passing. Sadakichi had fled in grief. Half an hour had already gone by but he hadn't returned and Hajime was edging on borderline worry.
Keeping a professional wall between them had been quite a challenge because Hajime often found himself drawn to the boy. Sadakichi seemed to possess a talent of stirring him into a verge of unrest, like he was at the moment. Hajime had discarded apathetic patience and let tumultuous concern drive him to search for the missing boy. Enemies were starting to infiltrate all sides of Aizu and now they've lost one of the boys in the shichu squad. He wasn't going to sit around and risk losing another.
They were at war, that he was aware. Losing people was the inevitable consequence of this tragic chronicle. He'd lost too many men to count and he'd been forced to swallow the sour truth that he would never reunite with the few close friends he'd had in his entire life. Wasn't he right to tell the boys they shouldn't be wasting time mourning the dead? Maybe it was a heartless remark, enough to poke a sensitive spot on Sadakichi.
Hajime had practically forgotten the little detail that these were young boys and this was the first time they tasted the bitter reality of war. Losing one of their friends had been a blow they undoubtedly never predicted.
The search for Sadakichi didn't take long. His nagging intuition had led him to the river where he found Sadakichi crying in silence. Without a word, he joined the boy along the bank and listened to Sadakichi's incessant mumbling. "We should've have left him, should've stayed with him. Teijirou and I. But Wasuke pushed us away, told us to run, that he'd hold off the enemies."
It was only on few occasions that Hajime had to sit down and listen to someone brew self-loathing and he was uncertain if there was an existing rule that he should or should not offer words of solace. Using his own judgment, he deemed it was called for in this situation so he said, "You know what? I think Ishida-kun was a hero, a dignified samurai who sacrificed himself so that you and Teijirou could run to safety. And you should be proud of him."
He was met with tearful eyes and Sadakichi's lips quivered as a child-like whining of, "But he's dead. He's dead because of me," spilled out of his mouth.
The poisonous essence of guilt started rearing its ugly head. "Iinuma-kun. One thing you shouldn't do is blame yourself." Hajime held the boy at arms length, holding his gaze, his big hands clasping those tiny shoulders. "We are at war and every single warrior here knows that their lives are at stake." Kicking down the metaphoric wall between them, Hajime held Sadakichi in his arms and pressed the boy's head against his chest. "That doesn't mean you can't mourn for your friend. So go ahead. Cry until you run out of tears, weep until you're ready to regain your strength so you can continue fighting for the cause that Ishida-kun died protecting."
The thin veil of vulnerability was lifted. The earth-shattering wail that tore from Sadakichi's lungs ripped through the eerie stillness of the forest and startled flocks of birds out of their somnolence, squawking as they took flight, their wings flapping in discordant rhythm.
It was at that moment that Hajime detested the war, cursed the insolent arrogance of those in power who chose to keep their stubborn heads above rival clans who didn't share their views in expense of the people who served them. As a result of their superciliousness, children were then forced to step into adults' shoes to protect their lords and their country.
Hajime knew the Byakkotai weren't exactly children, that 16 or 17 was close enough age to adulthood but having Sadakichi in his arms made him seem younger than any of the other Byakkotai. His earlier curiosity resurfaced. Once Sadakichi had calmed down, Hajime asked, "Iinuma-kun, how old did you say you were?"
The boy muttered the same response he gave Hajime weeks ago. He was sixteen and that was enough to satisfy Hajime's inquisitive side. He released Sadakichi and peered into his soulful eyes, only to be sucked into the depths of innocence now tainted with blood and death.
There was also a ripple of uncertainty within those dark pools that Hajime caught sight of before Sadakichi cleared his throat. "Actually, Saito-san. I…" The boy's gaze wavered. "I am only fourteen. I had to lie about my age so that I could enlist in the Nisshinkan for training."
Too young. But at this age, to wear the Aizu samurai coat of arms, to grip a sword in his hand, to wield his weapon in the name of the daimyo and his country made Hajime see Iinuma Sadakichi in a new light.
***
Maidens in their charcoal-colored raiments pranced over Sendai, spreading cinders across the sky and tossing blue gems to sparkle against the ashen layers that stretched over the city.
Hajime ignored the usual sentiments that unfurled past dusk in favor of the soothing liquid he poured down his throat. Sharing a flask of sake with Sadakichi seemed to have become a customary nighttime practice.
There was a disquieting tension vibrating between them, inviting a rather uncomfortable silence.
Sadakichi was the one to bring them out of the rigid element they were confined in. There was no hint of discomfiture when he spoke though his eyes were fixed on the table that separated them while he asked, "Why did you kiss me, Hajime-san?"
Hajime didn't have a spontaneous fib prepared so open honesty was his only option. "I did what I felt like doing."
The resolute assertiveness reflected on Sadakichi's eyes when he asked, "Was that the only time you felt like doing it? Or would you consider doing it again?" smashed down the layers of walls left standing around Hajime.
It might have been merely a hypothetical question. Or it could have been a request, a provocation. If Sadakichi was testing the waters, so was Hajime. "I'd like to do it again." Without looking too eager, he shifted enough to lean over the table, locking gazes with the young man. "If you wouldn't mind."
Sadakichi unleashed yet another surprise when he was bold enough to meet Hajime halfway, their lips brushing tentatively at first before they pressed harder, their mouths sliding in a sultry manner. That wasn't the only kiss they shared that night. Later they slept in one futon with Sadakich safely tucked in Hajime's arms.
Act VII.
Little things became more noticeable as the mask Hajime often wore was lifted and Sadakichi paid closer attention. The few strands of gray hair close to his temple, the wrinkles that permanently reside under his eyes, the two moles on his back just beneath his right shoulder, the uncouth habit of grinding his teeth when in deep sleep were all fond knowledge that Sadakich tucked in his brain and his heart.
It had been almost a week since Hajime had arrived. The former Shinsengumi captain had claimed he was granted another lengthy vacation and had wanted to spend it with him although Sadakichi could tell those were nothing but white lies.
It had been almost a week since Hajime first kissed him and they had shared a lot of ardent kisses since, despite his conscience screaming how wrong this was. Two men to engage in such a passionate act was unheard of and it could very well be an ignominy punishable by beheading if they were to follow the laws he had believed as a samurai but Sadakichi couldn't bring himself to care at the time. With Hajime beside him, the nightmares that kept revisiting him since he had set foot in Iimoriyama last spring had receded. The shackles that bound him to the past were undone. Ironically, there was a comforting feeling that he was free.
The rope that bound their souls together had morphed into a steel chain. And once the sanctioned awareness that this was against everything he had been taught dispersed like thin smoke, Sadakichi became more receptive, allowing Hajime to touch him on his most private parts.
When he was alone, he'd inflict necessary punishment on himself for enjoying what Hajime's wandering hands had done. A firm smack on the back of his head or a slap across his face would be his act of self-reproach, only to let Hajime's mouth be where his hands had been afterwards.
It was in the middle of the second week of Hajime's visit and close to the end of autumn when the older man broke the dejecting news that he had to return to Tokyo, that he'd received an urgent mail and he was needed back at his post. Sadakichi was seized with underlying fear that he might not return, even though Hajime had assured him with feverish kisses, had promised that he would be back before the snow started to fall.
***
Katsutarou had been known to exaggerate but the sheer and untainted panic that outlined his countenance at that moment implied that he spoke the truth. There was still a slim chance that this was nothing but a bad case of misinterpretation.
"It's true. It was Katamori-sama's orders and Hijikata-san had agreed. Tanomo-sama was there to witness it." The Shinsengumi was retreating, according to Katsutarou. Hijikata had been given orders to withdraw his forces and move to Sendai. "They leave hours before dawn."
While the others might have been washed over with fear of losing support from the Wolves of Mibu, of deeming it impossible to defeat the enemy without the help of the Shinsengumi, Sadakichi was struck with a different trepidation altogether.
Afraid that Hajime would be leaving, he rushed to the Shinsengumi camp, ignoring Teijirou's warning that he might be crossing a certain line he shouldn't. Hajime was in the process of bidding Hijikata goodnight when Sadakichi reached the site.
Not giving mind to the admonishing words that the voice inside his head was screaming, Sadakichi confronted Hajime. "Is it true?" he asked, disregarding the trace of vexation that was imprinted on the man's face. "Is it true that you're leaving?"
The sharp rumbling sound that vibrated through his throat came as a surprise and all Sadakichi could do was gape in confusion. Hajime had never laughed in pure mirth, or at least Sadakichi had never heard him beyond those soft chuckles or brisk sardonic bark of laughter.
The large hand that landed on the top of his head was warm and heavy as Hajime ruffled his hair. "You should have seen the look on your face, Iinuma-kun. You need not worry though. I am only escorting Hijikata-san and his troops to Sendai but would return in haste. I decided to stay and aid in protecting Aizu."
Relief swelled within Sadakichi, as if the boulder that had been unceremoniously dumped on his chest had been lifted. "I… I was afraid you'd leave without saying goodbye."
Hajime bent a little until they were at eye level, reminding Sadakichi that not only was the man taller, but he was an adult much older than he was. "I would only say goodbye if I had no plans of returning, Iinuma-kun." He invited Sadakichi for a walk, explaining that he had time to spare before they had to make preparations for their long hike to Sendai.
The streets were void of battle noises. It was quiet as a grave, which was more foreboding – the calm before a storm, the lull before a tsunami hit them at the least expected moment. No words were exchanged while they marched farther from the Shinsengumi headquarters. Only when they reached the outskirts of Fukura did Sadakichi decided to speak his mind.
"Saito-san. Do you think we would win this war?"
Cool, calm and collected as he had always been, Hajime said, "The outcome would be far beyond anyone's prediction, Iinuma-kun. The important thing is that no one gives up, that every warrior would fight with their heads held high until the end."
They came across the mighty wolves garbed in Shinsengumi's blue haori who lowered their heads before their captain before marching down to the opposite direction. Hajime was truly a man worthy or respect, crowned with a dignity that Sadakichi hoped he could possess.
The lights from the lantern hanging outside the houses they passed burned brightly, creating illusions of the city's inhabitants still loitering along the paved empty road.
"It's getting late, Iinuma-kun. Shall I walk you back to your camp?" It was a gentlemanly gesture and the humble manner it was offered didn't make Sadakichi feel that Hajime was treating him like a child. But Sadakichi had his pride in tact.
"There's no need, Saito-san. It's only a few blocks away. I will be fine on my own." Besides, Sadakichi could sense Teijirou and the others trailing behind, so he was positive he wasn't entirely alone.
***
Winter came and the snow fell in stark white ice crystals but Hajime hadn't returned. Sadakichi was beginning to worry.
The nightmares have returned and not only did he dream of blood-smeared white garments, of burning buildings and crumbling castle, of fallen swords and decaying corpses. This time he also dreamt of Hajime, of his sword falling from his hand, of the mountain of carnage that surrounded him, of gunfire and explosions.
The letters he had sent him had remained unanswered until Sadakichi laid his pen down and decided to leave everything to fate. It was a painful wait.
When his body trembled in the cold, when he breathed fog and slept on frozen sheets, he yearned for the warmth that Hajime often offered. When he'd walked along the snow-covered streets, leaving a line of footprints in his wake, he wished there was another set of boot marks imprinted on the white surface along with his.
On days when he didn't have to work, he'd sat by his window in hopes to see a tall figure strutting down the narrow street. From dusk 'til dawn, he waited under thick layers of blankets, but Hajime never came.
The snow had melted and the leaves was starting tp grow back on the trees when Hajime finally returned. "I apologize for not keeping my promise," he'd said and explained that his work had kept him tied up all winter.
Then he offered him a packet of Mikan seeds. "We can plant it in your little garden."
Sadakichi wondered if Hajime would be around to see it grow from a sapling to a full grown tree, if he would be around to see it bear fruits. Regardless, he accepted the gift with a promise to nurture it with love and care.
Hajime's visit was short this time, but it was enough to make up for the months he wasn't around.
Act VIII.
The world changed along with the seasons and Japan had flourished beyond abandoned traditions and forgotten cultures. Tokyo had been hosts to many of the refined modernization and Hajime had stood witness at the sidelines.
Sendai, on the other hand, still kept its preserved inheritance of the old ways despite of having been touched by innovative cultivations. To Hajime, it remained a second home.
As days and weeks and months rolled by, his heart felt heavier when leaving Sadakichi after every visit, even more difficult than leaving his own home.
However, he had been entrusted with important duties that his job required him to be in Tokyo more often than not. The bitter consequence of having less opportunity to visit Sendai had started to create a crack on the odd relationship he had with the former Byakkotai member.
Hajime was haunted with tremendous worries. He knew the nightmares had returned, even if Sadakichi tried to hide it beneath exuberant smiles and mellifluous laughter. The telltale sound of silent weeping beyond closed doors was enough proof that Hajime's suspicions were accurate.
It was during the summer, when he had woken up to disturbing moans and he saw Sadakichi writhing on his futon, sweat glistening on his exposed skin, that Hajime felt a part of his soul break. He cradled Sadakichi in his arms all night and was greeted with a blissful expression the next morning as if nothing had happened.
Cold blood rushed through his veins at the thought that this young man whom he had learned to care for deeply was slowly slipping through his fingers. He was at a complete loss. For once, Hajime knew not what to do.
***
The air reeked of smoke tainted with the repulsive odor of rage and death. Enemies had poured in on all borders like plagues of locusts swarming into the city. They were cornered, left with no other choice but to retreat back to Aizu.
What Hajime had hoped would provide them a safe ground, a temporary shelter was now enveloped in prevalent chaos. The entire town was besieged in anarchic tempest. Flames engulfed the houses around the castle, streets were littered with wounded samurai and civilians, screams of women and endless weeping of children reverberated in the air.
In spite of all these horrifying scenarios, the castle still stood proud and unrelenting even though the façade had been defiled by the mayhem.
Talks of women and children and old people, of wives and daughters and young sons and mothers of samurai bathing in their own blood with crimson-tainted knives lying beside them reached Hajime's ears. The ugly reality of war had surfaced. Aizu was about to fall.
Demons had bared its fangs, shadowed by malevolence that delivered bad news right at Tsurugajo's doorstep. It was those ill-fated tidings that prompted him to ask, "The Byakkotai, where are they?" and he was informed that all units were dispatched at the central perimeters. The shichu, in particular, had been sent to hold off the enemies crawling through the village of Tonoguchihara. There was no doubt in his mind it was the unit where Sadakichi had been enlisted.
The deities weren't too kind to the Aizu clan, completely abandoning them and left to suffer under these dire situations. But the Aizu samurai hadn't faltered, were too stubborn to give up, keeping a tight grip on their will to live up to the true warrior spirit.
It was this unwavering determination that inspired Hajime to continue fighting, to raise his sword and defend the castle, despite the unmistakable premonition that this would not end in Aizu's favor, despite the blatant fact that it was a hopeless crusade. Hajime could now see it, clearer than he ever did. These warriors were engaged in despondent battle not to prove bravery or exhibit their swordsmanship skills, but rather to preserve everything they believed in, to guard their honor and dignity with sheer willingness to die for their country and their Lord.
When he returned to the castle to check the situation, he saw a few members of the Byakkotai. It was then he learned the shichu unit had broken into two groups on their way back to the castle. Apparently, Sadakichi was left with the missing group. The sudden urge to flee and find them surged through him and he was about to leave when another samurai came rushing inside with bad news.
Nineteen members of the second shichu unit were found dead at the slopes of Iimoriyama, signs that they have gone through the ritual suicide, seppuku, were discernible. Hajime fell on his knees, his whole body going numb while he listened to the man read off the names of the Byakkotai members who had perished. Shinoda Gisaburo, Ito Teijirou, Ibuka Shigetarou, Ikegami Shintaro, Nishikawa Katsutarou were among them.
"There was one survivor," the man added. "He was still alive when a farmer's wife found him. The boy wasn't able to cut too deep but the wound was still severe."
Hope dawned on Hajime and he sprang back on his feet, grabbed the man by his arms and asked, "Name? What is the boy's name?"
The man stared at him with wide, quivering eyes. "Iinuma Sadakichi." The boy had apparently been brought to the healers, he'd been told, and all Hajime could do was hope for his recovery.
At nightfall, he went to see Sadakichi, who was barely conscious when he got there and he kept mumbling why they'd let him live, that he was supposed to die with them, that he'd made a vow he would. Hajime told him he was alive for a reason, for a purpose.
Aizu was still at war with Matsudaira Katamori barely hanging onto his stubborn determination not to surrender. This only meant that Hajime was still needed at the battlefront. With heavy hesitation, he told Sadakichi that he needed to return to the castle but he promised he would come back to see him again as soon as he could.
It was a promise he hadn't been able to keep and that was the last time he saw Iinuma Sadakichi until their fated reunion fourteen years later.
***
The wheel of time couldn't be stopped and it spun on its endless journey through rough, unpaved roads and rocky hills. It continued to add tattered pages on history books and relentlessly painted the country with ever-changing colors – from green to orange to white.
Another winter came and Hajime was finally blessed with the much needed extended vacation. He traveled to Sendai without second thought, ignoring the whispered rumors about a mistress that waited for him in that city.
It was during this visit that he witnessed the subtle changes in Sadakichi. The black cloud that shrouded him had completely dissipated. His eyes held a promising radiance and his face shone with peaceful confidence and contentment.
Sadakichi was healing. Whether it was on his own or with Hajime's help was unclear. But it was to Hajime's relief that the young man had a brighter outlook in life. What Hajime dreaded was the time might come when Sadakichi wouldn't need him anymore, when Sadakichi would learn to solely rely on himself rather than seeking inspiration from him.
It was a selfish notion. Hajime knew that he wouldn't be able to be by Sadakichi's side forever. He was well aware that someday, they would have to go their separate ways where their paths would no longer cross and the likelihood of them reuniting would be nothing but a distorted fantasy.
For now, Hajime would embrace the opportunity to be here for Sadakichi, because he cared for the young man more than he'd like to admit.
They were still connected: Two souls once lost in the aftermath of bloodshed, souls that had suffered from wounded pride, had plucked on the scars left by the miseries of war, had washed off the blood from the graves of the fallen with their tears, had climbed out of the dark caves of the past and had learned to move forward, to live on.
* * *
お
わ
り
Owari
Mononofu Shiroki Tora; Saito Hajime/Iinuma Sadakichi, PG-13
Written for
smallfandombangMASTER POST
Page 1
Dawn tiptoed over the horizon but its subtle approach was witnessed with open eyes. Sadakichi hardly slept a wink. His face burned at the thought of the night before, how Hajime's proximity had literally stolen his breath. The shameful part of it all was his body's lascivious reaction.
The feeling was so foreign he couldn't identify it. It was something he hadn't felt before. His puberty was spent with him learning the samurai's way of life and his early adulthood was cocooned in contrite. Though he hadn't gone through such a sensual phenomenon, he was certain that this was something he had to feel for a woman, not for a man like Saito Hajime, not for a man he regarded with high respect, a man who was ten years his senior.
As soon as the first light pierced through the window, he forced himself out of his futon so he could get breakfast started.
Hajime was facing the wall, his back on Sadakichi. His shoulders rose and fell in a steady cadence that suggested he was still in an unruffled rest. But the absence of the crisp sound of his snores made Sadakichi doubt that was the case.
With the windows slightly parted, the soft rays of the morning sun painted his humble abode in gentle strokes of lemon yellow and saffron. The pot filled with water and sencha leaves and jasmine blossoms was soon emitting a sweet aroma that filled the entire space.
Stealth as a warrior, Hajime had snuck up behind him nearly thirty minutes later. Sadakichi was beating eggs, his mind soaring above the clouds that he didn't sense Hajime approach until the man spoke and asked, "Do you have to work today?" which startled Sadakichi in the process.
Looking at Hajime was somehow abashing so Sadakichi kept his eyes on the bowl. "No. Did you have anything in mind?"
"I heard there is a festivity – a festival – in the next town. Would you like to go and check it out?"
To Sadakichi, it was a harmless invitation and it might just be the distraction he needed to rid him of these unwanted and unnecessary thoughts.
"Okay. What time do we leave?"
"Late in the afternoon."
Hajime was solacing to be around as usual. Not even the discomfiting incident had changed that. However, they did spend the rest of the day exchanging awkward smiles and perfunctory conversation.
The sun had eased its way over the mountains by the time they were getting ready to leave.
Sadakichi had chosen to wear a kimono splashed in bright hues of blue and green, the one his mother had brought him last year for his birthday. Hajime had always looked handsome in black.
Completely forgetting himself, Sadakichi reached out to help Hajime with his obi. Once tied and in place, he ran his hands flat over Hajime's shoulder blades, using his palm to rid of the wrinkles, belatedly realizing he was too close.
***
The water was as soft as silk blanket against his skin, neither warm nor cold, just enough to soothe his tired bones. Sadakichi kept his eyes closed while he basked in the comfort of the bath. His friends' banter was nothing but annoying buzz in his ears.
Only when there was a particularly sharp movement beside him did he open his eyes. Katsutarou had launched from his side to grab Shigetarou who was taunting him, saying he thought Shintaro could beat him in a duel.
Like a bird helplessly flapping its wings, Shigetarou struggled to keep Katsutarou off him. "Why don't we go to the dojo now and see?" His teeth were in full display when he flaunted Katsutaro a mocking grin then he tilted his head to glance Shintaro's way. "How 'bout, Shintaro?"
"I don't mind." Shintaro waded through the still water with no sign of hesitation.
The three of them left the bath, leaving dissonant echoes at their wake. Gisaburo called out after them, reminding them not to hurt themselves since they might be sent out on a mission soon.
Sadakichi thought he was about to gain the repose he much desired and was about to close his eyes again when he caught sight of Saito Hajime approaching. He was shaken out of his stupor when Hajime dropped the towel wrapped around his waist to reveal his naked form. The man didn't even have the decency to wear a fundoshi! His world stopped turning when Hajime stepped into the water and settled right beside him.
"Saito-san." Gisaburo's voice rang in his ears like an echo from a thousand miles. "It's nice to see you're able to relax at the moment."
The Shinsengumi captain had his head resting against the rock, eyes closed. "I thought I'd take advantage now that the enemy had decided to pull back and cease their attacks." The heat from Hajime's body caressed Sadakichi in ways that pushed him to full-blown discomfort. "But they are probably regrouping as we speak, so we'd best be on alert."
"Right, I understand." The rest of Gisaburo's words faded in white noise against Sadakichi's resonant heartbeat. Sadakichi's face burned at the thought of Hajime's proximity. Breathing had become onerous.
"I uh… I'm tired. I think I'll go rest now." Sadakichi practically vomited the words in his haste to leave the water. Having Hajime too close wasn't good for his health.
Teijirou's excuse of needing to retire for the day fluttered after him. His friend had caught up at the path leading to the changing area when they ran into Hijikata Toshizou. Still in a daze, Sadakichi almost forgot to lower his head before the man until Tejirou kicked him on his calf.
Wordless seconds waltz around them in a phantom-like grace. Sadackichi was trapped in cataleptic state, his hands working on their own while he changed into his yukata. It was Teijirou who pierced through his bubble. "Hey Sadakichi. Just out of curiosity. Do you like Saito-san? I mean in a special way?"
It was the way Teijirou had enunciated it – thick with connotation – more than the words itself that Sadakichi bolted out of pensiveness. Horrified, Sadakichi stammered, "W-wha--what made y-you ask?"
A shadow of mischief hazed over Teijirou's face, his mouth turning up to an impish simper. "Your face turned all red when Saito-san dropped his towel and I thought you were going to explode right then."
There was a loud crack of thunder and lightning within Sadakichi's world as the realization that his reactions to Saito Hajime had taken shape perceptible enough for Teijiro, and perhaps everyone else to witness. He nearly drowned in a landslide of embarrassment when Gisaburo and Wasuke came in, both of them reiterating what Teijirou had said.
"Saito-san wasn't certainly the reason why my face was red." The lack of acerbity that Sadakichi aimed for as he spat out a string of denial bounced back to him in a mocking imitation of his own voice.
"Tell me, Sadakichi," Teijirou slung an arm over his shoulder, the corners of his mouth still turned up in that wicked leer. "Was your heart beating fast when you saw Saito-san? Did your skin feel like they're burning when he sat close to you?"
"That's exactly how I feel when I'm around Kanae," Gisaburo supplied, face lit up like a ray of sunshine that Sadakichi doubted he was even aware that he wasn't helping Sadakichi in his case.
"You guys are out of your minds. Saito-san is a man. Why would I…?" Any coherent reasoning escaped him in a sea of froth that all Sadakichi could do was gape at his friends with his mouth open.
"Well, you're too soft sometimes. Maybe you have a heart of a woman?" Wasuke was as tactless as he had always been and though it seemed like an honest observation, the subtext of his remark raked through Sadakichi's pride.
There was a dissonance in his head, a reprise of his friends' words muttered in a provoking manner that had Sadakichi screaming, "Shut up!" before darting out of the room, wanting to put as much distance between him and the others.
***
The crowd seemed to multiply the further they went and Sadakich was starting to feel like the air was growing thinner and it was getting harder to breathe. Hajime was his security blanket, staying close to the man made him feel safer.
A stolen glance at Hajime alerted him of the concern etched on the older man's face. "Are you okay?"
There was no way he would give in to the weakness creeping through his psyche. "Yes, I am." Though blurted with confidence, Hajime could probably tell it was a lie. The man watched him as if he was going to crumble any moment so Sadakichi avoided his gaze.
An image of someone in his past appeared in the distance, beyond the sea of people that blurred around the edges of his vision. Teijirou was watching with a peaceful expression. One blink and he was gone, replaced with a man offering to take photographs to anyone who went past him.
The gust of warm wind that blew from the eastside guided his eyes towards two figures who he first thought were Wasuke and Katsutarou chasing each other. But it turned out to be someone else.
"Why don't we find some place where we could rest?" Hajime's hand felt cold against his forearm but he was tangible and real that Sadakichi didn't mind, even as the man practically dragged him to a set of wooden chairs near the pond.
His legs stilled at the sight that greeted him – Gisaburo and Kanae walking hand in hand – but then a brilliant light flared before his eyes and when the luminosity evanesced, all he saw was his and Hajime's reflection on the pond's water.
"I beg your pardon." The man he saw earlier with a camera raised his hand to call their attention and his gaze was focused more on Sadakichi as he spoke. "I couldn't resist taking your photograph. You wore such a mystifying expression that I had to capture it. If you would like to have a copy, I'll be glad to send it to you."
"No, thank you." Sadakichi could feel the headache coming and his head pulsated when a loud gong resonated from the top of a flight of stairs. For a moment, he thought he'd heard explosion and gunshots and screaming.
Memories came flooding in, and Sadakichi felt like he was back in Tonoguchihara with the enemies closing in and he had to escape so he ran, ignoring the frantic voice calling out his name. He ran as fast as he could.
Paper lanterns in red and white swept past him on his hurried trek out of the busy streets. It was near the bridge stretching over a stream that he found Sadakichi curled in on himself, visibly shaking like an abused animal.
"Sadakichi-kun."
This was the scenario he least expected to encounter. It was clearly a fool's hope that the visit to Iimoriyama, to the graveyard last spring would have helped the young man get over his friends' death and deal with the guilt that had held him prisoner for so long.
The waters Sadakichi threaded on were still and placid before Hajime left for Tokyo. What triggered his anxiety, what pushed Sadakichi off the steady current into a rougher course was a puzzle for him to ponder.
"Come on. Let's take you home." Hajime helped the young man on his feet and, as if he was carrying a fragile porcelain doll, led him back to his town.
When they arrived at Sadakichi's dwelling, Hajime encouraged him to take a bath so he could not only wash off the dirt on his face but also the negative energy that had clung to him.
"Will you be all right? Do you need help?" It wasn't his intention to treat the young man like a child he once was but Sadakichi did look frail at the moment.
A vigorous shake of the head was the immediate response he was given and a speck of panicked embarrassment shimmered on the surface of Sadakichi's eyes. "I'll be alright. I… I can handle myself."
"Call me if you need anything." Hajime's gaze never left the younger man until Sadakichi slid the door close.
Minutes marched off like worn down soldiers and Hajime chose to spend it preparing tea so he would not be stifled with worry. It took five minutes for the water to boil, the same amount of time when he heard the wretched bawling from the bath area. Alarmed, Hajime burst into the enclosed space to find the naked young man on the floor, hugging his knees close to his chest while rocking in place.
Without second thought, Hajime wrapped his arms around Sadakichi, not minding the water seeping into his yukata. "Hey, take it easy. Everything will be okay. I'm here. I'm here," he whispered like a mantra until he felt the young man relax.
Sadakichi clung on him and buried his face on his shoulder. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he said, sobbing in between.
"It's okay. Here let me help you." Hajime took the washcloth from the floor, lathered it with soap and started scrubbing Sadakichi's back and shoulders. It wasn't anything sensual or perverted, the gesture was enwrapped with considerate compassion, until Sadakichi graced him with a tender gaze and his lips parted as if in silent invitation.
Hajime could blame it on some mystical enchantment later but any rational thought left him in an instant and he allowed instinct to take lead so he leaned closer and pressed his lips against Sadakichi's. It wasn't as pliant as a woman's but soft nonetheless and he tasted like sencha and sweet dango that Hajime couldn't seem to get enough of.
***
Hajime knew allowing the boys to have their first taste of sake was a big mistake, but Toshizou painted the prospect with interesting mix of colors that created a fascinating picture in his head at the time. Besides, Toshizou seemed to know what he was doing.
Now the boys were a mess, most of them crawling on the floor and crying over their friend's passing. Sadakichi had fled in grief. Half an hour had already gone by but he hadn't returned and Hajime was edging on borderline worry.
Keeping a professional wall between them had been quite a challenge because Hajime often found himself drawn to the boy. Sadakichi seemed to possess a talent of stirring him into a verge of unrest, like he was at the moment. Hajime had discarded apathetic patience and let tumultuous concern drive him to search for the missing boy. Enemies were starting to infiltrate all sides of Aizu and now they've lost one of the boys in the shichu squad. He wasn't going to sit around and risk losing another.
They were at war, that he was aware. Losing people was the inevitable consequence of this tragic chronicle. He'd lost too many men to count and he'd been forced to swallow the sour truth that he would never reunite with the few close friends he'd had in his entire life. Wasn't he right to tell the boys they shouldn't be wasting time mourning the dead? Maybe it was a heartless remark, enough to poke a sensitive spot on Sadakichi.
Hajime had practically forgotten the little detail that these were young boys and this was the first time they tasted the bitter reality of war. Losing one of their friends had been a blow they undoubtedly never predicted.
The search for Sadakichi didn't take long. His nagging intuition had led him to the river where he found Sadakichi crying in silence. Without a word, he joined the boy along the bank and listened to Sadakichi's incessant mumbling. "We should've have left him, should've stayed with him. Teijirou and I. But Wasuke pushed us away, told us to run, that he'd hold off the enemies."
It was only on few occasions that Hajime had to sit down and listen to someone brew self-loathing and he was uncertain if there was an existing rule that he should or should not offer words of solace. Using his own judgment, he deemed it was called for in this situation so he said, "You know what? I think Ishida-kun was a hero, a dignified samurai who sacrificed himself so that you and Teijirou could run to safety. And you should be proud of him."
He was met with tearful eyes and Sadakichi's lips quivered as a child-like whining of, "But he's dead. He's dead because of me," spilled out of his mouth.
The poisonous essence of guilt started rearing its ugly head. "Iinuma-kun. One thing you shouldn't do is blame yourself." Hajime held the boy at arms length, holding his gaze, his big hands clasping those tiny shoulders. "We are at war and every single warrior here knows that their lives are at stake." Kicking down the metaphoric wall between them, Hajime held Sadakichi in his arms and pressed the boy's head against his chest. "That doesn't mean you can't mourn for your friend. So go ahead. Cry until you run out of tears, weep until you're ready to regain your strength so you can continue fighting for the cause that Ishida-kun died protecting."
The thin veil of vulnerability was lifted. The earth-shattering wail that tore from Sadakichi's lungs ripped through the eerie stillness of the forest and startled flocks of birds out of their somnolence, squawking as they took flight, their wings flapping in discordant rhythm.
It was at that moment that Hajime detested the war, cursed the insolent arrogance of those in power who chose to keep their stubborn heads above rival clans who didn't share their views in expense of the people who served them. As a result of their superciliousness, children were then forced to step into adults' shoes to protect their lords and their country.
Hajime knew the Byakkotai weren't exactly children, that 16 or 17 was close enough age to adulthood but having Sadakichi in his arms made him seem younger than any of the other Byakkotai. His earlier curiosity resurfaced. Once Sadakichi had calmed down, Hajime asked, "Iinuma-kun, how old did you say you were?"
The boy muttered the same response he gave Hajime weeks ago. He was sixteen and that was enough to satisfy Hajime's inquisitive side. He released Sadakichi and peered into his soulful eyes, only to be sucked into the depths of innocence now tainted with blood and death.
There was also a ripple of uncertainty within those dark pools that Hajime caught sight of before Sadakichi cleared his throat. "Actually, Saito-san. I…" The boy's gaze wavered. "I am only fourteen. I had to lie about my age so that I could enlist in the Nisshinkan for training."
Too young. But at this age, to wear the Aizu samurai coat of arms, to grip a sword in his hand, to wield his weapon in the name of the daimyo and his country made Hajime see Iinuma Sadakichi in a new light.
***
Maidens in their charcoal-colored raiments pranced over Sendai, spreading cinders across the sky and tossing blue gems to sparkle against the ashen layers that stretched over the city.
Hajime ignored the usual sentiments that unfurled past dusk in favor of the soothing liquid he poured down his throat. Sharing a flask of sake with Sadakichi seemed to have become a customary nighttime practice.
There was a disquieting tension vibrating between them, inviting a rather uncomfortable silence.
Sadakichi was the one to bring them out of the rigid element they were confined in. There was no hint of discomfiture when he spoke though his eyes were fixed on the table that separated them while he asked, "Why did you kiss me, Hajime-san?"
Hajime didn't have a spontaneous fib prepared so open honesty was his only option. "I did what I felt like doing."
The resolute assertiveness reflected on Sadakichi's eyes when he asked, "Was that the only time you felt like doing it? Or would you consider doing it again?" smashed down the layers of walls left standing around Hajime.
It might have been merely a hypothetical question. Or it could have been a request, a provocation. If Sadakichi was testing the waters, so was Hajime. "I'd like to do it again." Without looking too eager, he shifted enough to lean over the table, locking gazes with the young man. "If you wouldn't mind."
Sadakichi unleashed yet another surprise when he was bold enough to meet Hajime halfway, their lips brushing tentatively at first before they pressed harder, their mouths sliding in a sultry manner. That wasn't the only kiss they shared that night. Later they slept in one futon with Sadakich safely tucked in Hajime's arms.
Little things became more noticeable as the mask Hajime often wore was lifted and Sadakichi paid closer attention. The few strands of gray hair close to his temple, the wrinkles that permanently reside under his eyes, the two moles on his back just beneath his right shoulder, the uncouth habit of grinding his teeth when in deep sleep were all fond knowledge that Sadakich tucked in his brain and his heart.
It had been almost a week since Hajime had arrived. The former Shinsengumi captain had claimed he was granted another lengthy vacation and had wanted to spend it with him although Sadakichi could tell those were nothing but white lies.
It had been almost a week since Hajime first kissed him and they had shared a lot of ardent kisses since, despite his conscience screaming how wrong this was. Two men to engage in such a passionate act was unheard of and it could very well be an ignominy punishable by beheading if they were to follow the laws he had believed as a samurai but Sadakichi couldn't bring himself to care at the time. With Hajime beside him, the nightmares that kept revisiting him since he had set foot in Iimoriyama last spring had receded. The shackles that bound him to the past were undone. Ironically, there was a comforting feeling that he was free.
The rope that bound their souls together had morphed into a steel chain. And once the sanctioned awareness that this was against everything he had been taught dispersed like thin smoke, Sadakichi became more receptive, allowing Hajime to touch him on his most private parts.
When he was alone, he'd inflict necessary punishment on himself for enjoying what Hajime's wandering hands had done. A firm smack on the back of his head or a slap across his face would be his act of self-reproach, only to let Hajime's mouth be where his hands had been afterwards.
It was in the middle of the second week of Hajime's visit and close to the end of autumn when the older man broke the dejecting news that he had to return to Tokyo, that he'd received an urgent mail and he was needed back at his post. Sadakichi was seized with underlying fear that he might not return, even though Hajime had assured him with feverish kisses, had promised that he would be back before the snow started to fall.
***
Katsutarou had been known to exaggerate but the sheer and untainted panic that outlined his countenance at that moment implied that he spoke the truth. There was still a slim chance that this was nothing but a bad case of misinterpretation.
"It's true. It was Katamori-sama's orders and Hijikata-san had agreed. Tanomo-sama was there to witness it." The Shinsengumi was retreating, according to Katsutarou. Hijikata had been given orders to withdraw his forces and move to Sendai. "They leave hours before dawn."
While the others might have been washed over with fear of losing support from the Wolves of Mibu, of deeming it impossible to defeat the enemy without the help of the Shinsengumi, Sadakichi was struck with a different trepidation altogether.
Afraid that Hajime would be leaving, he rushed to the Shinsengumi camp, ignoring Teijirou's warning that he might be crossing a certain line he shouldn't. Hajime was in the process of bidding Hijikata goodnight when Sadakichi reached the site.
Not giving mind to the admonishing words that the voice inside his head was screaming, Sadakichi confronted Hajime. "Is it true?" he asked, disregarding the trace of vexation that was imprinted on the man's face. "Is it true that you're leaving?"
The sharp rumbling sound that vibrated through his throat came as a surprise and all Sadakichi could do was gape in confusion. Hajime had never laughed in pure mirth, or at least Sadakichi had never heard him beyond those soft chuckles or brisk sardonic bark of laughter.
The large hand that landed on the top of his head was warm and heavy as Hajime ruffled his hair. "You should have seen the look on your face, Iinuma-kun. You need not worry though. I am only escorting Hijikata-san and his troops to Sendai but would return in haste. I decided to stay and aid in protecting Aizu."
Relief swelled within Sadakichi, as if the boulder that had been unceremoniously dumped on his chest had been lifted. "I… I was afraid you'd leave without saying goodbye."
Hajime bent a little until they were at eye level, reminding Sadakichi that not only was the man taller, but he was an adult much older than he was. "I would only say goodbye if I had no plans of returning, Iinuma-kun." He invited Sadakichi for a walk, explaining that he had time to spare before they had to make preparations for their long hike to Sendai.
The streets were void of battle noises. It was quiet as a grave, which was more foreboding – the calm before a storm, the lull before a tsunami hit them at the least expected moment. No words were exchanged while they marched farther from the Shinsengumi headquarters. Only when they reached the outskirts of Fukura did Sadakichi decided to speak his mind.
"Saito-san. Do you think we would win this war?"
Cool, calm and collected as he had always been, Hajime said, "The outcome would be far beyond anyone's prediction, Iinuma-kun. The important thing is that no one gives up, that every warrior would fight with their heads held high until the end."
They came across the mighty wolves garbed in Shinsengumi's blue haori who lowered their heads before their captain before marching down to the opposite direction. Hajime was truly a man worthy or respect, crowned with a dignity that Sadakichi hoped he could possess.
The lights from the lantern hanging outside the houses they passed burned brightly, creating illusions of the city's inhabitants still loitering along the paved empty road.
"It's getting late, Iinuma-kun. Shall I walk you back to your camp?" It was a gentlemanly gesture and the humble manner it was offered didn't make Sadakichi feel that Hajime was treating him like a child. But Sadakichi had his pride in tact.
"There's no need, Saito-san. It's only a few blocks away. I will be fine on my own." Besides, Sadakichi could sense Teijirou and the others trailing behind, so he was positive he wasn't entirely alone.
***
Winter came and the snow fell in stark white ice crystals but Hajime hadn't returned. Sadakichi was beginning to worry.
The nightmares have returned and not only did he dream of blood-smeared white garments, of burning buildings and crumbling castle, of fallen swords and decaying corpses. This time he also dreamt of Hajime, of his sword falling from his hand, of the mountain of carnage that surrounded him, of gunfire and explosions.
The letters he had sent him had remained unanswered until Sadakichi laid his pen down and decided to leave everything to fate. It was a painful wait.
When his body trembled in the cold, when he breathed fog and slept on frozen sheets, he yearned for the warmth that Hajime often offered. When he'd walked along the snow-covered streets, leaving a line of footprints in his wake, he wished there was another set of boot marks imprinted on the white surface along with his.
On days when he didn't have to work, he'd sat by his window in hopes to see a tall figure strutting down the narrow street. From dusk 'til dawn, he waited under thick layers of blankets, but Hajime never came.
The snow had melted and the leaves was starting tp grow back on the trees when Hajime finally returned. "I apologize for not keeping my promise," he'd said and explained that his work had kept him tied up all winter.
Then he offered him a packet of Mikan seeds. "We can plant it in your little garden."
Sadakichi wondered if Hajime would be around to see it grow from a sapling to a full grown tree, if he would be around to see it bear fruits. Regardless, he accepted the gift with a promise to nurture it with love and care.
Hajime's visit was short this time, but it was enough to make up for the months he wasn't around.
The world changed along with the seasons and Japan had flourished beyond abandoned traditions and forgotten cultures. Tokyo had been hosts to many of the refined modernization and Hajime had stood witness at the sidelines.
Sendai, on the other hand, still kept its preserved inheritance of the old ways despite of having been touched by innovative cultivations. To Hajime, it remained a second home.
As days and weeks and months rolled by, his heart felt heavier when leaving Sadakichi after every visit, even more difficult than leaving his own home.
However, he had been entrusted with important duties that his job required him to be in Tokyo more often than not. The bitter consequence of having less opportunity to visit Sendai had started to create a crack on the odd relationship he had with the former Byakkotai member.
Hajime was haunted with tremendous worries. He knew the nightmares had returned, even if Sadakichi tried to hide it beneath exuberant smiles and mellifluous laughter. The telltale sound of silent weeping beyond closed doors was enough proof that Hajime's suspicions were accurate.
It was during the summer, when he had woken up to disturbing moans and he saw Sadakichi writhing on his futon, sweat glistening on his exposed skin, that Hajime felt a part of his soul break. He cradled Sadakichi in his arms all night and was greeted with a blissful expression the next morning as if nothing had happened.
Cold blood rushed through his veins at the thought that this young man whom he had learned to care for deeply was slowly slipping through his fingers. He was at a complete loss. For once, Hajime knew not what to do.
***
The air reeked of smoke tainted with the repulsive odor of rage and death. Enemies had poured in on all borders like plagues of locusts swarming into the city. They were cornered, left with no other choice but to retreat back to Aizu.
What Hajime had hoped would provide them a safe ground, a temporary shelter was now enveloped in prevalent chaos. The entire town was besieged in anarchic tempest. Flames engulfed the houses around the castle, streets were littered with wounded samurai and civilians, screams of women and endless weeping of children reverberated in the air.
In spite of all these horrifying scenarios, the castle still stood proud and unrelenting even though the façade had been defiled by the mayhem.
Talks of women and children and old people, of wives and daughters and young sons and mothers of samurai bathing in their own blood with crimson-tainted knives lying beside them reached Hajime's ears. The ugly reality of war had surfaced. Aizu was about to fall.
Demons had bared its fangs, shadowed by malevolence that delivered bad news right at Tsurugajo's doorstep. It was those ill-fated tidings that prompted him to ask, "The Byakkotai, where are they?" and he was informed that all units were dispatched at the central perimeters. The shichu, in particular, had been sent to hold off the enemies crawling through the village of Tonoguchihara. There was no doubt in his mind it was the unit where Sadakichi had been enlisted.
The deities weren't too kind to the Aizu clan, completely abandoning them and left to suffer under these dire situations. But the Aizu samurai hadn't faltered, were too stubborn to give up, keeping a tight grip on their will to live up to the true warrior spirit.
It was this unwavering determination that inspired Hajime to continue fighting, to raise his sword and defend the castle, despite the unmistakable premonition that this would not end in Aizu's favor, despite the blatant fact that it was a hopeless crusade. Hajime could now see it, clearer than he ever did. These warriors were engaged in despondent battle not to prove bravery or exhibit their swordsmanship skills, but rather to preserve everything they believed in, to guard their honor and dignity with sheer willingness to die for their country and their Lord.
When he returned to the castle to check the situation, he saw a few members of the Byakkotai. It was then he learned the shichu unit had broken into two groups on their way back to the castle. Apparently, Sadakichi was left with the missing group. The sudden urge to flee and find them surged through him and he was about to leave when another samurai came rushing inside with bad news.
Nineteen members of the second shichu unit were found dead at the slopes of Iimoriyama, signs that they have gone through the ritual suicide, seppuku, were discernible. Hajime fell on his knees, his whole body going numb while he listened to the man read off the names of the Byakkotai members who had perished. Shinoda Gisaburo, Ito Teijirou, Ibuka Shigetarou, Ikegami Shintaro, Nishikawa Katsutarou were among them.
"There was one survivor," the man added. "He was still alive when a farmer's wife found him. The boy wasn't able to cut too deep but the wound was still severe."
Hope dawned on Hajime and he sprang back on his feet, grabbed the man by his arms and asked, "Name? What is the boy's name?"
The man stared at him with wide, quivering eyes. "Iinuma Sadakichi." The boy had apparently been brought to the healers, he'd been told, and all Hajime could do was hope for his recovery.
At nightfall, he went to see Sadakichi, who was barely conscious when he got there and he kept mumbling why they'd let him live, that he was supposed to die with them, that he'd made a vow he would. Hajime told him he was alive for a reason, for a purpose.
Aizu was still at war with Matsudaira Katamori barely hanging onto his stubborn determination not to surrender. This only meant that Hajime was still needed at the battlefront. With heavy hesitation, he told Sadakichi that he needed to return to the castle but he promised he would come back to see him again as soon as he could.
It was a promise he hadn't been able to keep and that was the last time he saw Iinuma Sadakichi until their fated reunion fourteen years later.
***
The wheel of time couldn't be stopped and it spun on its endless journey through rough, unpaved roads and rocky hills. It continued to add tattered pages on history books and relentlessly painted the country with ever-changing colors – from green to orange to white.
Another winter came and Hajime was finally blessed with the much needed extended vacation. He traveled to Sendai without second thought, ignoring the whispered rumors about a mistress that waited for him in that city.
It was during this visit that he witnessed the subtle changes in Sadakichi. The black cloud that shrouded him had completely dissipated. His eyes held a promising radiance and his face shone with peaceful confidence and contentment.
Sadakichi was healing. Whether it was on his own or with Hajime's help was unclear. But it was to Hajime's relief that the young man had a brighter outlook in life. What Hajime dreaded was the time might come when Sadakichi wouldn't need him anymore, when Sadakichi would learn to solely rely on himself rather than seeking inspiration from him.
It was a selfish notion. Hajime knew that he wouldn't be able to be by Sadakichi's side forever. He was well aware that someday, they would have to go their separate ways where their paths would no longer cross and the likelihood of them reuniting would be nothing but a distorted fantasy.
For now, Hajime would embrace the opportunity to be here for Sadakichi, because he cared for the young man more than he'd like to admit.
They were still connected: Two souls once lost in the aftermath of bloodshed, souls that had suffered from wounded pride, had plucked on the scars left by the miseries of war, had washed off the blood from the graves of the fallen with their tears, had climbed out of the dark caves of the past and had learned to move forward, to live on.
お
わ
り
Owari